“One of my secrets of adulthood: If it’s not on the calendar it doesn’t happen. If I want anything in my life, I have to figure out how to schedule it. Otherwise something like transcendence? It just never happens” Gretchen RubinAlso on:
“The fear came from wanting it to be great. It had to be great. And if you want it to be great, that’s the fastest ticket to not doing anything.
“Over the years, I had to identify what actually do I really want out of my writing. Do I want adulation? When I got granular about what I really wanted, it was: the process is gratifying. It doesn’t have to be great, it has to be the idea that’s in front of me. The idea came to me. It’s my job to pursue it and see it through.
“Resentment gets trickier. Once I turned pro, then you get into notes. That gets to be very tricky psychological territory. You feel infringed upon. Or you internalize the criticism. Or .I don’t want to do this my way was right.’ And you just have to work through resentment. And so I have tools for dealing with fear and resentment.”
Eileen Myers (tv writer for Big Love, Masters of Sex)Also on:
“Feeling understood at home, that’s only going to equip you with dealing with the outside world better.” Gretchen Rubin
I feel very lucky to have a super supportive family. They’re honest about any concerns and at the same time supportive that I have the final choice over my life. I didn’t realize until recently what a huge advantage I had.
I studied Fine Art and Music!! I have no memory of family resistance. In fact, it was in some ways my family’s idea.
My mom was like “Please don’t be an accountant, I’m an accountant. I like being good at it and making good money and could change, so I’m not going to change it now.” My sister was like “There’s a job for a graphic designer, you could do part-time while you’re in school.” Everyone really wanted me to do what I wanted to do.
That made me super resilient. I didn’t have to internalize all other’s resistance. I just know intrinsically that problems can be figured out.
Several books I’ve read agree with this podcast’s view: Kids seek out relationships and friendships similarly to those that they find at home. If parents try to emulate the injustice of the world to “prepare” children, they’re often teaching their kids to be participants in injustice. That’s teaching that injustice is just a tool to get what you want. Better perhaps to travel through the world with your child and show them how you handle those external problems that are truly out of control.
Looking at that model, it’s one I enjoy with relationships with other adults. I call it “Soft Heart, Strong Limits.” Making supportive and at the same time honest and authentic helps me connect with others in a way that’s both safe and vulnerable. As independent, we become our own parents and get to re-learn and take charge.
“You want home to feel like an oasis. Having parents who understand you helps you feel that way.” Elizabeth Craft
Great idea for better relationships, careers, and play.
“Have a lot of things that you want to do and be interested. ‘It’d be fun to do this, it’d be fun to do that.’ But at the same time, be completely easy going. You want to get pizza, let’s get pizza. ‘You want to the museum that’s a great idea.’ Easy to please but not indifferent.”
“Someone has to do the mental work of deciding what to do.”Also on:
“Just thinking about doing someone a favor is important. Not actually doing the favor. Thinking about being generous. New research shows that’s enough for a lift.” Lizzie PostAlso on:
“One of the really unique pains of being a person of color – specifically a black woman – around a group of white people is feeling like if you are trying to name a dynamic or identify something that has a really weighted racist history when someone is saying ‘You’re making everything about race.’ That’s just such a weird deflection. Actually, she’s just making one thing about race. That’s not everything. It’s just one thing. You are counting wrong.”
“It is okay for you to say it. You are not making ‘Everything about race.’ Which is such a weird racist deflection that white people, we sometimes do when somebody says ‘I don’t like this’ The conversation becomes this white fear about being called racist. As if ‘I can’t be racist, that’s what bad people are.’ As if it’s no longer about one thing I did, it’s about whether I’m a categorically ‘good person.’ I have to defend myself so I will ignore, demean, justify myself. Discredit that person until they drop the subject. And that’s a really bad response.”
– Mallory OrtbergAlso on:
“I wasn’t even accused of insider trading. One thing I never want is for that to be the major thing of my life. It’s not a good experience. And it doesn’t make you stronger. I was a strong person to start with and thank God I was. I can hold my head up and say I’m fine.” Martha Stewart