“I never understood the notion of being loyal to an institution. An institution is an inanimate legal construct filed in Delaware. You should be loyal to people.
“When I see people talk about making career decisions over their loyalty to institutions, that’s a construct built into our society mostly so young people would go put themselves in harm’s way to maintain the land of older rich people.
“This notion of being loyal to an institution doesn’t make any sense to me. You should be loyal to people that treat you well.”
“This is the heart of design thinking. It isn’t about becoming your perfect self. It’s about looking very honestly at your circumstances and asking what room you have to maneuver. Think about those designers in Silicon Valley. They’re always releasing programs in beta.
“The idea is you try something very practical, something you can do quickly, send it out into the world and then learn from how it performs. You come back, iterate and then go back into the world again.” – Dave Evans
“In fact, I liked what he said about with design thinking your goal is to fail early and often.”
“Design thinking is another method for coming up with solutions that usually aren’t found through usual decision-making processes.”
“Design thinking says: First off let’s find out, who are the human beings experiencing this problem? Let’s talk to them, observe them, and immerse ourselves in their experience.
“Let’s develop an understanding of the causes of a problem from their perspective. Rather than go in and say I have a theory, the design thinking route develops based on interactions with users and customers.” – Cory Phelps
“If you have the courage to look at your role, then t empowers you to change the situation around rapidly. By radically changing the way you respond to the other person.”
“When you’re looking at your part of it, it’s not about beating yourself up. You don’t want to blame the other person and it’s not about pointing the finger at yourself and blaming yourself. It is about looking at: What am I contributing to the situation and dynamic.”
“It’s hard for people because they’re not subtle in their thinking. It’s their fault or my fault.”
“Blame is the cause of almost all relationship conflicts. The problem isn’t that this person is to blame, the problem is your blaming them. Every time you blame somebody, that will cause whatever you’re doing to escalate. It’s a law of the universe.
“Then you go to: I’m no good, that causes feelings of shame, depression, and worthlessness. People vacillate back and forth. We’re trying to get people to rise above this. Up above there’s accountability, empathy, and listening. Where there’s not a battle”
“A lot of people can’t get it or a lot don’t want to get it. They want to blame the other person. It’s very rewarding to blame other people. It makes you feel morally superior.”
I have tons of ways. Giving myself options and focusing on my own choices helps. I also engage my own sense of curiosity
First I turn to my own sense of compassion:
Their pride is an understandable feeling of invisibility and need for acceptance. Their envy reminds me that we’re different and can we learn from each other’s differences. Their anger is a form of fear of the unknown. Their gluttony and indulgence is their understandable hope to find what’s missing. Their lust and social desires are a need for connection with others.Their sloth is worry, doubt, and anticipation toward the results of action, success, and failure. And their greed is vulnerability manifesting as deprivation and desperation.
I can understand that their flaws share each of these in common with my own flaws.
Next I turn to self-care. What combination of outcomes can I ask for suits both of our needs? If we can’t agree, then it’s okay to put a little or a lot of this time and energy elsewhere.
In giving support, I give them freedom to make choices according to their own ideas. Making sure they do things according to my thinking is not my job to witness.
Finally, I politely make boring limits with a Soft Heart. “I want X. The problem is Y. What I’d like is Z.” I’m stubbornly polite, use my magic words, and stay in my lane with a good sense of humor.
People are allowed to be negative people. Let Eeyores be Eeyores. They can take care of themselves and like being that way.
Listen to understand. If your intent is to understand, then these people are more interesting than annoying.
“Make life more complicated. My urge is always to simplify. My impulse is to lighten the load. Then I would see people making their lives more complicated right at the very times when I would say:
“Why are you doing it now? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Then I realized it does make sense. Right when I have that feeling, why would someone do this, it makes no sense to me. That’s when you say to yourself it does make sense.
Why would someone do something. It does make sense to them. It’s a way to crowd out negative preoccupations and concerns. I have all of this tough stuff on my plate, let me bring more joy into my less and less room to feel sad.
“You have so much bandwidth in your day. If you have empty bandwidth, something’s going to fill into it. You’re going to worry, there’s only so much you can do about it.
“This is something fun. What works is something where you have a lot of control, immediate benefits, takes up mental space with tasks and errands, and something you find fun.”
“Negative feedback is a way of learning. If your ego gets in there, it’s can pretty humiliating. It does take a lot of courage. Everyone gives us group leaders feedback. They say here’s what they disliked, here’s what I liked about this session. And here’s how I rated you. It can be pretty painful.”
“She’s so warm. An incredible gracious genius. Every time she opens her mouth and gives feedback, it’s always so diplomatic and done beautifully. But I’m more aggressive – to me, it doesn’t sound aggressive, I’m saying here’s what you did right and here’s how you can improve – I put it out there very directly. I get a lot of criticism that’s usually valid. It’s painful.
“If you’re willing to be open for it, it does give you a chance to grow. I’m learning not only about what I’m teaching, I’m learning about myself and my flaws.”
“When you show your humanness with humility, people seem to embrace you like crazy.”
“True love, true friendship, true support comes from people who want you to be your own truth. To tell your own truth.
“They don’t want things given to them that don’t come from a pure place.
“They don’t want to be perceived as taking advantage of you. You have to let go of the toxicity in your life that was preventing you from being your true self in the first place.”
“I said yes because I wanted to. I felt sparked by the idea.” – Cheryl Strayed
“The fact that something feels awkward is not in itself a sign that you shouldn’t be saying it.
“Sometimes things are just awkward and that is just how they’re going to go.
“In this case, she is making it awkward not you. You’ve tried nicely hinting and she’s refusing to pick up on what you’re saying. You’ve tried giving the benefit of the doubt. You’ve tried being kind.
“You’re going to have to be blunt. I know lots of people really really don’t like doing that because it feels rude.
“I want to emphasize: You are not the one being rude here.
“She’s forcing you to be more direct than you’d normally want to be.
“The Captain Awkward advice blog calls this ‘Returning awkwardness to sender’
“Putting the awkward where it originated from. There’s nothing wrong with: This bothers me, can you stop it.”
“If I believe I can do it, I can do it. But even if I don’t end up doing it, I’ll probably do better because I believed I could.” Jack – son of Elizabeth Craft